I have chosen to do nothing. When I made that choice, the state of my mind, my consciousness, was hugely altered for the better, happier, quieter.
Not for long, but for an evening. And now I find I can call it up again when I think to do so.
This is not a small thing. It is very large. When I go again to that frame of mind, I am notably more at peace with the world than before when I was somehow always warring with it. I was constantly judging others and recriminating with myself over past actions that could fill me with sudden chagrin. Now, much more, I tend simply to listen to, look at, and learn from both the now and the then.
I call
that discerning.
This new state of mind was not my intention; it just popped in one evening when I decided to do nothing about the aneurysm. I had reasons for the choice -- I didn't want the constant alertness to and testing for the common endo leaks and other issues with the stent. And I liked very much the idea of knowing with good probability that I would die quickly and suddenly when the aneurysm tears at last. If the stent procedure removes that likelihood, what manner of death am I going to discover down the line? And, of course, at 87 I knew I did not have a long ride ahead.
I develop this thinking a little more in my next post, Why it feels so good to be as good as dead.
